February 2, 2010: Blocked already?

I knew this would happen! I knew that one morning I would get up and not want to write a blog - and I am not loving that word itself! I knew that one day I would not feel like opening up and sharing my thoughts on what the world presents (the "shows" presents, not the "gifts" presents.)

I knew it would happen, but I thought it would come later, after more than a week, after much longer, after having filled the world with ideas, or laughter, or ... words, anyway!

But no, it is today. Ideas fly past, but there is not one that tickles me, seducing me to grab it and ride it to its conclusion. So what's to do?

Seems to me, there are two choices when things get cloudy, when things are downright obfuscated (now THERE's a word to love!), when I seem to be stuck, with either no choices or too many before me. At those times, times like right now, it is actually really simple. There are two choices.

One: I pick a path, and move ahead, forcing my way through the bushes and brambles, fences with barbed wire and attack dogs, walls, STOP signs, all manner of hurdles and creeks (creeks? okay, maybe big puddles.) This is how I was brought up: you make your way in this world and you don't expect it to be easy. That's just life, and too bad about it, quitcherwhinin'! This is how I lived most of my life, head down, HEADS UP! Keep your eyes on the ball, everyone else is the other team so don't trust anyone, go, go, go, go, GO! Don't think about it, just keep busy, it'll all be over soon, and...

Wait, WHAT??? It'll all be over soon? THAT's the best this choice can offer? Uh-uh! No way, Sanjay! There has GOT to be another way, this life is worth more - I am worth more - than "keep busy, it'll all be over soon." What else ya got?

Okay, then! The other choice! (Sound of horns and trumpets, very dramatic!)

Two: Wait. (What? WAIT? What IS this shit? Waiting is not a choice!) Ah, but it is, grasshopper Kathryn, it is! Waiting is in fact perhaps the hardest choice of all. When things are not clear, perhaps it is because the timing is not right. Perhaps it is because I need to take time, slow down, breathe in and out, just BE...until things become clear again.

And they always do. This is how I live now, and it is true it isn't always easy. It is a lot easier to force things, control freak that I am, to make them happen - half-assed or no - to just move forward. Harder it is to wait (I love Yoda!) and touch base with who I really am and what I really value first.

But when I take the time to be still and wait, there is a moment - a crystal clean clear moment - when I touch who I am. When I feel I Am, truly. And I love that moment, that connection to me and to Me, to Life, to God, the Universe, whatever name you have for it, if you have a name at all; it doesn't matter at that moment what words there are, the words fall away to the Word. That's what I'm talking about!

And after THAT moment, if my next step is not clear, I always know that I can wait until it becomes clear, that I am worth the time it takes. That I can choose otherwise than to (time and again) force myself into action.

And after THAT moment, sometimes, like right now, I know exactly what I should be writing about.