February 8, 2010 : Happy Birthday to me

Bonjour!

Today is my birthday (never you mind which one!) and so, a fresh start. A brand new year stretches out in front of me. I can't see it all from here; I can only see the next few weeks, the next few steps. Truth be told, that makes me a wee bit nervous. The part of me that wants to be in control is definitely complaining... I just tell her to hush, gently. I tell her that I am operating on good information.

You see, it used to be that I controlled my life. Or so I thought.

When I left the Bronx the first time, I went to Georgetown's School of Foreign Service to be a spy...and became more of a pacifist. (Support our troops, persuade their leaders!) ;-)

When I left Georgetown, I became a banker in order to get to live in Paris, thinking it would happen very fast...and it took me 20 years.

I tried to live my life in three-year plans. What a joke! At one point, I bought a house in Bradley Beach, a cute town on the Jersey shore, 7 blocks from the beach. It was my summer place, my weekend retreat, and my plan was to move a block closer to the beach every three years, retiring when I got to beachfront. Well, today my house is still 7 blocks from the beach rented out to a lovely family, and that's not too bad. Retirement? Now I don't want to retire! That was a dream when I was unhappy with my life's work....

And then there was the marriage-and-kids thing: I started late, but figured I still had time to be a wife and mother. That crashed and burned too... (I have to remember that other people's dreams are not necessarily mine.)

Finally in 2003, I was sent here to Paris to open an investment banking office of a well-known US bank. That institution is now defunct. 'Nuff said.

So, how much more evidence do I need to remind me that control is a figment of my imagination? When I thought I was in control, the gods were giggling. I am sure of it.

So now I have decided to get the thing out into the open: shine some light on it. If "they" are going to be in charge, let "them" be in charge from the outset. That means the planning and the worrying : they can have it! Clearly my past efforts in that area have been energy wasted. So I hereby hand it over.

Do not mistake me: I will do my part. As the plan unfolds, I will be fully present and actively participate. Opportunities presented will received a resounding "YES!", and my full attention and energy. When I catch the whiff of a project in the air, I will work at it. And I can work, by God; work is something I know!

But as to the planning and predicting the future, and the ensuing fretting and worrying, I now recognize that this is not my area of expertise. So this year I am going to leave it to the experts, to the Universe, in the hands of God, shall we say. And so I can really enjoy my birthday.

Peace from Paris.