February 5, 2010 : Switzerland!!

Bonjour!

I woke up obscenely early yet again today (4:44am) and tried to roll over and get back to sleep but then I had to pee and I saw the time and as I was deciding whether to stay up and write what was on my mind or try my hand at sleeping again, something caught my eye: in the half-dark, one word from the title of a book I am reading: "NOW". Well, I can take a hint as well as the next person (when you hit me over the head with it) and so I headed for my computer.

I checked my messages first, as always, and there in the Inbox was a message from one of my current favorite authors, James Twyman. Seems there is a competition for spiritual authors going on, and the top prize is a book deal. So of course I had to sign up for that right away (more to come...)

With all of this plus what I have in front of me today, I am pretty excited, so rolling over and going back undercover is pretty much out of the question, at least until I excise some of this energy!

Today I am headed to Geneva, Switzerland for the 7th annual Geneva Writers' Convention. It may be their 7th, but it's my first! I signed up late, but know the organizer so she got me in, and I got 3 out of my 4 top picks for courses! The Conference mixes aspiring writers with well-established ones, and puts writers together with agents and publishing industry people too. Hmmm, all things are pointing to my goal for this year. :-)

I am excited about returning to Geneva. I worked there for a bit when I was 23 or 24 (!), heading an internal credit audit for a major bank, my employer at the time. The audit was about measuring credit risk in a portfolio (which is not rocket science, don't even get me started about the current greed - er, financial - crisis.) The audit was focused on the risk in the bank's exposure to commodities companies, trading companies, companies who trade in raw materials: oil, wood, oranges, copper, coffee, you get the picture. I actually enjoyed this type of analysis: you take the biggest bet (you could also call them gambling companies) a trading company can make with its internal setup, then you assume that bet will tank immediately, and figure out what the damage would be. Then you see how much money they have to withstand the loss, and how many times they could make such a bad bet and still go on. Cool stuff, very logical. Sort of "How much money can I lose and still be able to pay the rent?" stuff... I get that.

It strikes me now that I maybe could have used that logic for myself, looking at how many bad "bets" I could make, how many times things could go belly-up before I was no longer viable, way back. But then, I am not a company. I have no employees and thus no fiduciary responsibility. (Huh?) I alone bore the brunt of any "bad" decisions I have made, no creditors or innocent bystanders were hurt (okay some collateral damage perhaps but all of that is in the past...) ;-)

So thank goodness I didn't. If I clearly assessed the risk of what I was doing at almost any given time, I probably wouldn't have done it. Fear can freeze us, and that logical part of us that worries about risk can keep us right in our seat, instead of allowing us to be the first one to get up and dance. So I am glad that I didn't (often) do that sort of analysis myself.

I am especially glad because now I see that all my "bets", the directions I took and things I tried - as well as the people I met while doing all of that taking and trying - all of them created the person who I am right now. And I like that person, I like hanging out with her and seeing what she'll get up to each day. So instead of bitching about whatever I perhaps did not do perfectly in the past (remembering my big January 28th resolution to balance the bitching with the gratitude), today I am starting my weekend adventure with a big "Thank You!" to the Kathy of the past who tried lots and lots of new things, crazy new things all the time (seeming sometimes pretty unstable to some friends and family that weren't afraid to tell her so!)

From Georgetown to Wall Street to Dykman Street, from Kingsbridge to Inwood to Rye, to Philly to Paris, from partying and running marathons to scuba and acting and poetry, all the good times and less-good times, and the people, the glorious people, the wild and whacky, wonder-ful people, still here or who have left us - for all these fortuitous events and elements and people that brought me to right here and right now: thank you!

Because today I am heading back to Geneva as a writer. During THIS visit, I can stop and appreciate the beauty of that city, and celebrate it with words. And for that, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Bon weekend!