January 26, 2010: I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...

Hello!

I am not sure why I am up already, the alarm is not going to go off for another hour or so. Then again, I DO know why! I was woken up by a song - I woke up with the song from South Pacific in my head "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair"...

No worries, no hatin' , no denigratin'!

Yes, I think this is about my ex, but more importantly, it is about my bedroom, the state of affairs in said bedroom, the complete and TOtal chaos in my bedroom (and since "as below so above", in my life), and this is about what I can do about it!

Huh?

Well, I am in a Paris apartment and thus space is somewhat limited...at least by American standards! French friends always think I have SO much space, particularly so much space for "rangement" - putting things away, storage. And it is true, by French standards. I have a cave - a storage basement in the building, as well as 4 closets and lots of overhead and built-in nook-and-cranny-type space (will I always think of Thomas' English muffins when I hear ort use that phrase?).

Yes, I have a good bit of space. But I also have a lot of stuff. (So proud I didn't use the phrase that came to my sleepy Bronx-born mind - a lot of shit! Advancing, always advancing... though which is more accurate, stuff or shit, who can tell?... )

Here's the thing: I have one whole half-closet filled with wedding photos, albums etc from my wedding in 2003/4 (two weddings, one civil in Paris and one church event in the Bronx.) On the other hand, I have a no-Feng-shui bedroom with books and stacks of papers everywhere... the chi cannot circulate around the bed, and neither can a human.

Hmmm... seems clear doesn't it?

But to clear out the old wedding stuff is to close a chapter - a chapter that wasn't all bad - and specifically to clear out memories of a day that was a lot of fun. Since my ex is French and not a lot of his people were there, the wedding reception was filled with my people: friends from kindergarten through college, friends from numerous bars and bank jobs (not heists, the other sort), and family. Lots and lots of my Irish Catholic family. (Memory is of course selective. I COULD choose to remember that my miscarriage came to its full denouement that day, or that my Dad found my ex smoking a joint outside, or that a friend gave my soon-to-be-ex-father-in-law a lapdance, oh wait - that was a highlight! )...

Anyway, in clearing this stuff out, I am saying it's okay to leave the past (even the nice choice bits) IN the past. And that makes me kind of sad.

Of course there are other memories in the making even as I write. And in order to have the new rush in, I need to clear out some space for it. (I can feel the fresh air whirring and whirling it's way towards me even as I write...) So maybe it's ok. Maybe I am ready to move on.

Hmmm... I think I will wash my hair today.