January 28, 2010: Late and beat

Hello!

Today I am starting late and I am beat. I love to write in the morning when inspiration fills me and my fingers can't keep up with the words in my head. But tonight I am tired and my eyes are squinting at the screen. I just wanted to say hello, and how glad I am to be here, to sit at this screen and to bitch about the writing, about doing something I love.

Today was weird.

I started the day with an early session of rolfing - structural integration - and it hurt. It hurt like a mothafucka. (When I am tired I revert, apologies to any gentle sensibilities out there. I like this word. I like it spelled as one word, just like that. So sue me.) It hurt like a MF and then it was done. So I guess that means my structure has integrity now. Or my integrity has structure. Or something.

Then I went to see a friend - I'll call him John - who was diagnosed 2 years ago with colon cancer. He is tired. I did a little reflexology on his feet, then we went for a walk and some vegetarian couscous. (And a rhubarb tartelette - I couldn't resist. Who'd'a'thought I would ever eat rhubarb tartelettes?) This is a friend with whom I go way back to my first job out of Georgetown, way back to Wall Street. As we talked he cracked a joke, something to the effect of "You know, when I eat, I get nauseous and am in pain...and when I can't eat, I get nauseous and am in pain." It was way funnier than that, his timing was perfect.

I was - and still am - blown away by his joking, his absolute determination to be on that up frequency. Instinctively I asked myself if I would be able to joke around if I were wearing those shoes. (Probably, they'd be falling off me and sliding all over the place and probably knock something expensive over and break it or knock someone over maybe and that would make me laugh...) I hope so.

I hope so, but really, how often do I find something to bitch about (see the first paragraph of this very blog - you don't have to look far for the answer to that one! ) now, when I have everything I need: health, happiness, blahblahblah? Pretty often, I ruefully admit.

So I am making a resolution. I know, I am a bit late, but I never like to work on other people's schedules. My resolution is the following; it is a baby step. I will not resolve to stop bitching. I will not reolve to be always grateful for everything, all the time. I am a realist. I gotta start someplace feasible, reasonable. So here goes... I resolve to do the gratitude thing at least as much as I do the bitching thing. That is doable. I can do that.

So my friend and to all the "John"s (don't you dare! lol) out there, bravo and bon courage! Thank you for the inspiration... I got a lotta livin' to do too!

"To all that has been: thanks!
To all that shall be: yes!"
- Dag Hammarskjold, former UN head